SOME FUN STUFF FROM DAVE
Hyms, Songs & Jokes That Shows
"GOD Has A Sense Of Humor"
The Dentist's Hymn :
Crown Him with many crowns
The TV Weatherman's Hymn :
There shall be showers of blessings
The Contractor's Hymn :
The Church's one foundation
The Tailor's Hymn :
Holy, holy, holy
The Golfer's Hymn :
There is a green hill far away
The Politician's Hymn :
Standing on the promises
The Optometrist's Hymn :
Open my eyes that I may see
The IRA's Hymn :
I surrender all
The Gossip's Hymn :
Pass it on
The Electrician's Hymn :
Send out Thy light
The Shopper's Hymn :
Sweet by and by
IF YOU MUST SPEED ON THE HIGHWAY, SING THESE :
85 kph :
God will take care of you
95 kph :
Guide me, O Thou Great Jehovah
105 kph :
Nearer my God to Thee
115 kph :
Nearer still nearer
125 kph :
This world is not my home
135 kph :
Lord, I'm coming home
145 kph :
Precious memories
THINK ON THESE
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharoah’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a (Ford?) Fury.
A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. The apostles met together in one (Honda?) Accord.
A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Morris Minor ,
"We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out
Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were
kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Able!
Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
A. So long Fellers!
Q. Noah's ark pictures the spiritual paradise today; what does the dove he sent out picture?
A. The branch coordinators
Q. Noah built the ark in 3 stories, the top story had a window to let light in, how did the 2 bottom stories get light?
A. Floodlights.
Q.After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Q.Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before?
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. When Jezebel grew up what did she make out of herself?
A. ALPO
Q. What do they call the church elders in Federal Republic of Germany?
A. German Shepherds
Q. If a circuit overseer and his wife have a baby, what do they call it?
A. A circuit breaker.
Q. Why did Paul tell Timothy to drink a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
A. It was Paul's bottle.
Q. What did the Pope say when he saw a vision of the Devil?
A. Oh my God!
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.
Q. Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one"
Q. Who was the most wicked man in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which Christians in the first century were known for constantly traveling?
A. The Roamin' Christians
Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who was mentioned in the Bible to have a sweet tooth?
A. Heb. 11:38 says that the pre-Christians wandered around in the desserts.
Q. Did Job go to a chiropractor?
A.Yes, Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Will there be dogs in the new system?
A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.
Q. Back in Bible times, what did the Bride's father pour on the Groom?
A. Glue, so he would stick to his wife.
Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
Q. Who slept 5 in a bed?
A. Many faithful men actually, for instance , David was said to have slept with his 4 fathers. (forefathers).
Q. Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?
A. Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"
SOME BILLBOARDS FROM GOD
and my all time favourite
SOME MORE FUNNY STUFF
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a
loud voice say:
"Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
STILL MORE
Forrest and St. Peter
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper
St. Peter says "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and
we've
been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to
this.
Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was".
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three
questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?".
Forrest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the
questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter
"T"?
Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest!
That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify,
so I give you credit for that answer".
"How about the next one?" says St. Peter. "How many seconds in a
year?"
Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I
guess the only answer can be twelve". Astounded St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve!
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March
second. . . "
Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I
see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for
that one too.
Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied "Andy". . . when St. Peter asked how in the
world he came up with the name Andy,
Forrest replied . . . in the song . . . Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were
sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait".
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll
talk about it.
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father If they could discuss use
of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "I've been real proud of
you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get
your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about
that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair.
"To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
ONE FOR THE COMPUTER BUFFS
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's
Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail,
Amen."
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're
sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, imoral acts without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to imoral acts with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is
"early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour
goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer
than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there
are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no
parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up
to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are
okay. Fotty games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless ruler of
your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance
to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
an axe, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain
sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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